Steps

In the 2016 movie Dr. Strange, the title character’s mentor punches his soul out of his body. I had an identical experience the day I thought I was going to die.

I sat listening intently to a meeting. I was very relaxed and soaked up the conversation. I leaned all the way back in my chair. My chair moved 1/8th of an inch further than I thought it would. Which triggered every biological response, and I gave up the ghost. I flailed my arms. I was partially trying to regain my balance and partially trying to fly.

Sometimes, when I mindlessly traipse up a flight of stairs, I think there is one more step than actually exists. I take that “last step” and firmly plant my foot onto the non-existent step. As my foot falls further than expected, I feel certain that I’ve collapsed into a sinkhole. Occasionally, it happens the other direction as I think there is one final step on my descent and I crush my leg into the ground, expecting to go further than the floor allows.

Whether heading up or down, those extra steps were never there. I experience significant physical, emotional, and mental reactions to something that does not currently, nor ever existed. The reactions are real, but their source is not.

Sometimes, I get very big feelings about a conversation that could have, but never did, take place. I feel anger from an argument with someone that existed only in my mind. I feel frustration or embarrassment about an experience that would have unfolded differently had I paid closer attention.

Am I reacting to a phantom step? Will I avoid the anger from a squabble that never occurred? Will I pay enough attention to my lived experience so I can respond appropriately?

Be curious, be kind, be whole, do good things.